2025 Election Report – Elderly Women to Mark Carney: ‘Baby, slow down!’

An election survey of elderly Canadian women make clear their message to Prime Minister Mark Carney: ‘take it easy! We can only get so excited, you know.’

“I mean, he’s a rich, educated, emotionally sincere, mature; he’s a modestly-handsome man with a full head of hair,” Doris Redding, 71, said. “He was incredibly emotionally mature and empathetic in that video he took in Gander with the woman who hosted the 9/11 redirects. It was insanely hot to see that in a man.”

“He said pushing papers doesn’t burn a lot of calories in that Instagram video in a pie shop,” Kelly Stump, 73, recalled, fanning herself with a copy of The New Yorker. “Just to know he’s calorie conscious, while still appreciating pie, was almost overwhelming.”

Yes, the steelie-eyed Dr. Mark Carney is emerging as an unexpected sex symbol among divorced women and women of a certain age. Each campaign video only seems to serve up yet another reason for mature women to find the new Prime Minister an absolute heartthrob. “That video with Mike Myers was kind of weird,” said Janet Wells, 76. “But it was hot to see him being sharp, knowledgeable, and confident, while pulling off a hockey jersey.”

“It didn’t give me the impression that he’s ever played sports,” she added. “But it gave the impression he had a distinct impression of what sports are. Which was cute.”

“He’s like a younger Joe Biden with a hint of a Pierce Brosnan smolder,” said Denise Mills, 77, as a dreamy look crossed her face. “I like him.”

Canadian pop star Avril Lavigne has given Carney’s campaign permission to use her song ‘Hot‘ at his rallies and public appearances, much like how Beyonce gave Kamala Harris permission to use ‘Freedom‘ as her walk-on music in the 2024 American election. “I don’t really follow politics,” said Lavigne. “But my mom really likes Carney and I don’t care much for that song anymore. So it wasn’t a big deal to let him use it for the next few weeks or whatever.”

Incidentally, a campaign appearance at a Toronto book club was cancelled because Carney’s campaign feared “he might be eaten alive” by the book club members. The Toronto campaign stop was rescheduled to a much-safer hotdog eating contest at the Eaton Centre. “Watching him eat a whole lot of hot dogs in one sitting might lower the temperature a bit,” said one staffer, requesting anonymity. “The comments we’re getting on Facebook are just ridiculously thirsty. Maybe this’ll cool the old girls off for a while.”

Not everyone is wildly enthused. Eleanor Morris, 82, has her criticisms. “He’s got just awful posture. Clearly no one’s told him, but he’s just got his unappealing hunch that I just can’t get into.”

Still, when pressed, she said, “I mean, if he knocked on my door with a bottle of wine, sure, I’d try to get him out of that little back suit of his. You know, if he stopped by.”

Pierre Poilievre, meanwhile, lashed out angrily on social media at the idea that he resembled a ‘libertarian Millhouse’ and insisted “Canadian women think I’m slightly sexy too!”

That claim could not be independently verified.

(This report is a work of satire.)