The final words spoken by Pierre Poilievre, on his political deathbed, were a faint gasp of “Sass the ass…” before his career expired at the age of 21. The official cause of death was listed as ‘being extremely off-putting’.
“It’s really incredible,” said a teary-eyed Conservative staffer. “He was desperately trying to come up with catchy, rhyming slogans, instead of, you know, actual policy, right up until the end.”
“Wow, this is just like the beginning of Citizen Kane,” said another staffer, opening their laptop to update their resume, “except no one gives a shit. So, you know, the rest of the movie doesn’t happen. You know anyone hiring a communications director?”
Poilievre’s career, 2004-2025, passed away the evening of April 28th after a long battle with public opinion and political reality. In its final hours, as the condition worsened, three-word slogans were screamed, moaned, and ultimately gasped, before an eternal silence reigned. A few of note were “hug the slug”, “fax the wax”, and “phone the bone”.
When informed of Poilievre’s political passing, Ontario Premier Doug Ford clutched his belly and let out a loud, victorious laugh, causing him to resemble a statue of a happy Buddha. He was laughing too hard to provide a quote for this article, but aides to the Premier said a statement would be issued once the euphoria had worn off.
Freshly-elected Premier (and heartthrob to women who remember Donny and Marie Osmond), Mark Carney, simply offered a Roger Moore-esque smirk at the news of Poilievre’s political passing, and turned his attention back to preventing the annexation and subjection of Canada.
In lieu of sending flowers, the Conservative Party of Canada asks mourners to please purchase one of the hundreds of thousands of ‘Axe the Tax’ flags and buttons they were saving for the election, which are currently taking up a lot of valuable space in their office buildings.
(This article is a work of satire)
Alex Colvin 